Who are you

In therapy, we often come in knowing something has to change. We carry stress, grief, patterns, or pain, and sometimes it feels overwhelming. Yet instead of looking inward, we focus on everyone else. We focus on our roles: the parent, the spouse, the sibling, the caretaker, the friend. We define ourselves by what we do for others. But I want to pause and ask you something different. What are five things you love about yourself? Can you name them right now in five seconds? If I gave you five minutes, would you have more to add? If I gave you all day, would you discover things you never noticed before? The challenge is simple but not always easy: write down five things you love about you. Not the mom-version of you, not the spouse-version, not the helper or fixer. Just you. Then ask yourself again: what are five things that define me? Not the roles. Not the titles. Not the labels other people give you. But five truths about who you are at your core.

For most of my life, I would have said the most important part of me was being a mother. That role has shaped everything. I also carry the defining grief of losing a child before he was born.

It took years to find my way back, and even now, I think of him every single day. That loss shaped me as much as anything else in my life. Then came my three living children, the loves of my life. From the very beginning, there was never going to be any way I would lose them. I became fierce, protective, determined to shield them from harm, from pain, from the world itself if I had to. That instinct to protect became part of my definition too. And yet, when I strip away mother, protector, griever, who am I? Who am I beyond all of those roles?

When I sit with this question, here is what rises up in me. I am resilient. I stand back up, even when life knocks me down. I am a protector, fiercely guarding what matters most. I am a believer in love. Love has always been my anchor, my hope. I am creative, carrying ideas, beauty, and new ways of seeing the world inside me. I am both soft and strong. My strength doesn’t erase my tenderness; they coexist. All of these things make up me. My uniqueness. My need for truth. My need for justice. My need for standing up not just for myself but for you too. My belief that anything is possible. And in a world where there is so much harshness, I choose kindness.

So many people might answer the question by saying, “I’m a mother, a father, an aunt, a grandmother, a daughter, a wife, a sister.” And those are beautiful, sacred roles. But they are not the whole story. When we peel them back, we uncover the essence of who we are. So I’ll ask again: what are five things you love about yourself, and what are five things that define you? Write them down and sit with them. Maybe it takes five seconds. Maybe five minutes. Maybe all day. That’s okay. The important thing is not the speed, it’s that you begin to see yourself with love, through your own eyes, not just through the roles you play for others.

You are more than your grief. More than your motherhood. More than your caretaking. More than your survival. You are you. And you deserve to know, honor, and love that person fully. The most powerful thing you can do in therapy, and in life, is to learn to say: here are five things I love about me.