Love and Communication: The Hard Truth About Reactions and Responsibility

Love isn’t always romantic. It’s the love we have for our children, our friends, our family, and even for the stranger in front of us at the grocery store. Love is the connective tissue that holds humanity together — the reason we care, the reason we try, and sometimes, the reason we hurt.

In sessions, something interesting happens all the time. Someone says they’re upset because their partner reacted in a way they didn’t like. Maybe it felt disproportionate or unfair. The person who reacted says something like, “Well, you made me do it,” or “If you hadn’t said that, I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

Okay, put your listening ears on: no one is responsible for your reaction except you.

If you’re okay with your reaction, do absolutely nothing. But if you’re not okay with it—if part of you wishes you’d responded differently—then stay with me.

You Are Not Responsible for Your Partner’s Trauma — But You Are Responsible for Their Heart

If you’ve worked with me in couples counseling, you’ve probably heard me say this a dozen times: You are not responsible for your partner’s trauma. However, you are completely responsible for their heart.

And I want to take that idea a step further because this isn’t just about couples. It’s about how we move through the world as people. Every single one of us carries a responsibility toward others simply because we are members of society.

If we didn’t have that responsibility, we wouldn’t care about politics, or kindness in a grocery store line, or what’s happening in our neighborhoods. But we do care. Most of us care deeply.

Our reactions are powerful. They can make or break moments, relationships, and sometimes even someone’s sense of safety.

If I do something that makes you angry and you react in a way I don’t like, that dynamic is ours to navigate. My action is my responsibility; your reaction is yours. Together, we have to figure out a different way of doing — a different way of being.

The Myth of “You Made Me”

“You made me yell.”“You made me shut down.”“You made me feel small.”

We’ve all said it or thought it at some point. But the truth is, no one can make us do anything. They can trigger us, yes, but how we respond is still on us.

That’s not about blame — it’s about empowerment. The moment you accept responsibility for your reaction, you reclaim your power to choose something different next time.

When “Being Yourself” Becomes a Shield

Now, let’s talk about the “I’m just being me” defense.

We’ve all heard it (and maybe even said it): “Oh, fuck it, I’m gonna be who I’m gonna be.”

And sure, you might be a beautiful, loving, creative, amazing person — but if you’re consistently hurting others, then, well, you’re being an asshole.

And I can already see some of my friends nodding and saying, “That’s okay, I’ll just be an asshole.”

But come on. Do we really want that? When the choice is between protecting ourselves with harshness or showing up with love, which one serves us better in the long run?

Most of the time, the “asshole response” isn’t our true self. It’s a defense mechanism — a shield built from past pain. It’s the part of us that’s been hurt, rejected, or misunderstood, trying to protect itself. But protection isn’t connection. And connection is where love lives.

Choosing Love, Again and Again

Love and communication are built in the moments we choose responsibility over reaction. When we pause before responding, we give ourselves the space to align with who we truly are — not who our wounds trained us to be.

It’s not easy. It’s not quick. But it’s worth it. Because every time you choose to respond with awareness instead of defensiveness, you’re strengthening not just your relationships, but the very fabric of love that connects us all.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be willing.

And that willingness — that pause, that breath, that “wait, I want to do this differently” moment — is one of the purest forms of love there is.