Are We Normal? The Question I Hear Most

In my office, we talk about everything.

We talk about sex.

We talk about money.

We talk about arguments, boots left in the living room, groceries that never made it into the cart, lights left on, and clothes that just couldn’t seem to find the hamper.

Couples ask me, sometimes hesitantly and sometimes with a laugh, “Are we normal? Is this normal?”

Here’s the truth: I’m probably the wrong person to ask. I’m not even sure what “normal” means anymore. But I do know this. Anytime two people walk into therapy wanting to love better, live better, understand themselves and their partner more deeply, that is not just normal. That is beautiful. And it is worth celebrating.

Before we dive into what makes relationships thrive, I need to lay out a few ground rules.

There’s no lying in therapy. Honesty is the foundation. If you’re here, be here fully.

Sex is never an obligation. Don’t ask your partner for intimacy if you’re not in a good place emotionally, and don’t pressure someone who isn’t into it. Your job is to figure out why the connection feels off and work on that. Fix the relationship, and the sex life will follow.

Don’t weaponize dislike. “I don’t even like my partner” has no place as a weapon in therapy. It’s okay to feel frustrated or set boundaries, but contempt is toxic.

Conflict is allowed. You can argue, you can disagree, just remember who you’re talking to. This is the person you love most in the world, not your enemy. Speak with respect.

Honor your partner. In public, in private, in your introductions, let your pride in them show. They should come before anyone else, even your family.

Relationships aren’t about chasing some mythical idea of “normal.” They are about showing up, day after day, for the person you’ve chosen and making sure they know they are chosen