What Other People Think of You Is None of Your Business

What Other People Think of You Is None of Your Business

It doesn’t become your responsibility until you attend to it.

Years ago, when I first stepped into an executive management position, I was routinely upset by the fact that some staff members didn’t like me.

I know. Shocking.

Apparently, becoming a leader did not come with the magical ability to make everyone think I was wonderful.

One day, after listening to me struggle with this, a coworker said something that has stuck with me ever since:

“What other people think of you is none of your business.”

I’d love to tell you I took those wise words, immediately internalized them, flourished in my executive position, and never again gave a single shit about whether somebody liked me.

That would be a beautiful story.

It would also be a lie.

I still care what people think of me.

I think most of us do.

Take out the narcissists and the people who have somehow climbed so far up Maslow’s hierarchy of needs that they have reached a level of enlightenment where Brenda from accounting rolling her eyes at them causes absolutely no emotional reaction—and I think most of us care.

And honestly, we probably all want to hang out with those enlightened people and ask them how the hell they got there.

But I am getting better.

And lately, I’ve been thinking that the original advice needs a second sentence:

What other people think of you is none of your business. It doesn’t become your responsibility until you attend to it.

Now, before we use that as permission to walk around being assholes, there’s an important distinction.

Sometimes we should care.

If somebody doesn’t like you, maybe before immediately deciding they’re jealous, crazy, toxic, intimidated by your greatness, or suffering from some terrible inability to appreciate your sparkling personality, ask yourself:

Why?

Did I do something wrong?

Did I behave in a way that goes against the person I believe myself to be?

Was I unkind? Dishonest? Disrespectful? Selfish?

If the answer is yes, then do better.

Come on. We’re all humans walking around this world bumping into one another. Sometimes we screw up. Sometimes we hurt people. Sometimes the criticism that hurts the most does so because there’s a little truth hiding inside it.

Own it. Apologize if necessary. Learn something. Do better.

But what if you look at yourself honestly and realize you didn’t betray your values?

What if someone simply doesn’t like your decision?

Your boundary?

Your personality?

Your success?

Your beliefs?

Your refusal to behave the way they wanted you to?

Then another little piece of wisdom applies:

If it doesn’t apply, let it fly.

And that is where things get hard.

How do we make somebody else’s feelings, beliefs, judgments, and general I don’t fucking like you energy not become our responsibility?

First, we acknowledge it.

We can be human enough to say, “It sounds like we have a different opinion about this.”

If it’s something minor, move on.

If it’s something major, this next part may shock the hell out of you:

Move on.

I know.

Revolutionary.

But moving on does not mean you don’t care. It doesn’t mean you’re cold. It doesn’t mean you didn’t listen.

It means you listened, considered what was said, examined your own behavior, and decided whether there was something there that belonged to you.

If there was, take responsibility for it.

If there wasn’t, put it back down.

You do not have to carry every opinion somebody has about you.

If you have looked at something from every angle, done your research, asked your heart, sat quietly with yourself, examined your intentions, and can stand on your own two feet grounded in what you believe is right, then stand there.

Someone else’s disagreement does not require you to abandon yourself.

And if somebody decides their opinion of you has changed because your opinion about something is different from theirs?

The world is enormous.

I’m not suggesting you start collecting fewer friends.

I’m suggesting you stop chasing people who require you to shrink, change, explain, defend, or betray yourself in order to keep them.

Go find your people.

Better yet, attract them.

Find the friend, the colleague, the neighbor—or the 37-year-old flying face-first down the playground slide—who gets you.

There is no reason to bully one another as adults.

There is no reason to continuously engage with people who make you feel unsafe, inferior, or ashamed of being yourself.

Move on.

Easy advice.

Fucking criminally hard practice.

At least it is for me.

I get attached. I care. I want people to understand me. And yes, sometimes I want people to like me even when I know damn well their opinion shouldn't matter.

But I'm trying to do better.

Because what someone else thinks about me does not define me.

And here’s another concept that apparently became revolutionary somewhere along the way:

You can disagree with someone and still like them.

You can have completely different opinions and still enjoy each other’s company.

You can say, “Yeah, I don’t agree with you about that,” and then—brace yourself—not talk about it.

Or you can actually talk about it.

You can explain what you believe and why.

And then you can allow the other person—novel concept—to explain what they believe and why.

Nobody has to win.

Nobody has to be converted.

Nobody has to leave the conversation feeling stupid or inferior.

As long as there is respect, disagreement doesn't have to equal disconnection.

Of course, there are things I won't budge on. There are characteristics I don't want in the people closest to me. We all get to decide what our boundaries are and who gets access to our lives.

But for the most part?

I like people.

I enjoy people who are different from me.

I even love people who are different from me.

Maybe that's maturity.

Maybe it's just being human.

Either way, somebody else's belief about you does not become who you are.

Their opinion belongs to them.

Your responsibility is to look honestly at yourself, repair what actually needs repairing, stay grounded in who you are, and learn to leave the rest where it belongs.

With them.

We're all going to get this wrong sometimes. We're human. We're going to misunderstand each other, piss each other off, disappoint each other, and occasionally decide we simply don't like each other.

But at the end of the day, we're all walking through this life together.

And if we can remember that, maybe we can give each other a little more grace.

Because even a Padres fan has feelings.